Funny Things My Students Have Said

I teach English to little Germans. The kids here start learning it in the 3rd grade and continue to do so until they graduate (which, for my school, is the 13th grade). I usually work with grades 9 and up, so you'd think that after that many years of English they'd be pretty proficient. However, I still come across a few mistakes so hilarious or confusing that I feel the need to write them down. Here are a few such gems:

(This one was in a writing assignment about fashion tips. The girl was writing about how to make someone look fabulous. If you follow her tips, she says, ....)

"I can assert that you will be conspicuous."

(Ah, my fashion goal -- conspicuousness. The next one was another writing assignment where one student interviews another. The interviewer wrote this:)

"We would like to bombard you with questions."

(Question bombs everywhere -- look out! And here's a lovely one I got from a lesson on American government:)

"The last president was Josh Bush."

(... Josh? Sounds like a frat pledge. And before him was Chad Clinton, Josh Bush Senior, and Brett "Brosef" Reagan. Another student wrote, in response to a prompt about the American presidential election process ...)

"At first it gives a primaries."

(.... whuh? Aaaand *drum roll please* my all time favorite - this response to the question "what do you like to do after school?":)

"I like to go to the park and get with my dog."

(Too. Much. Information. I'm going to say she meant "play with" instead of "get with"...)

Anybody else? Funny English mistakes?

A Terrible Use For An Ashtray

So, uhm, I witnessed a man beating another man with an ashtray yesterday.

The story goes like this: it's Monday evening, 7:00 p.m.. I've just finished teaching my volunteer English classes at this cultural program place in the city center and I want to hang out for a while longer downtown before I go home. So I call Caroline and we go to Cafe Alex (family: this is that cafe right next to Vapiano, where we ate when you visited). It's this cute outside cafe - lots of wicker tables and chairs, overpriced teas, some old man duo playing an oboe and an accordion in the background - and everything is peaceful.

I'm just about to take my first sip of tea when two big guys come barreling around the corner, one chasing the other and both of them yelling in German. It's just some guys being rowdy, I think to myself, but then the chaser (let's call him Polo Shirt Guy) tackles the chasee (let's call him Long Shirt Guy) right in front of my table.

I don't mean playfully tackles. I mean, Polo Shirt Guy was on the hunt, and he took Long Shirt Guy down hard. They landed so close to our table that, if Caroline and I hadn't jumped up right away, they would've landed on us. As it was, out table was knocked over and our drinks went everywhere (before I even got to drink mine, shame shame ...).

But that's not the half of it. Polo Shirt Guy starts beating Long Shirt Guy right in front of us. He wailed on his face, got up, kicked his head a few times, hit him with an ashtray (!) ... all of this within what seemed like hours of the tackle but was actually probably just seconds. Long Shirt Guy had no chance to fight back.

I jumped up (well, I had already jumped up and away when my table got knocked over) and was thinking, "Somebody get that guy off of him!" So, I start yelling at Polo to lay off. In my infinite wisdom I made a move to go towards them -- what was I gonna do? Join the fight? I don't know what the flaming potatoes I, a 5'6" little woman, was going to do to Polo, a 6'5" muscle man, but apparently my dumb butt thought I was going to do something. Nobody else was. So I'm going towards this guy and Caroline's like, "What the HELL are you doing?! You're going to get yourself beat up." I either came to my senses or chickened out, depending on how you look at it, because I didn't jump into the fight. But it didn't matter anyway, because Polo Shirt ran off just then and shortly thereafter the police and ambulance came. Long Shirt Guy's head had bled all over his poor white shirt and the pavement and he needed some patching up. And that was that. As far as I know they didn't catch Polo and nobody chased him when he ran off.

So, anyway. That's my story. If I was a man I'da totally jumped in there and pulled Polo off of Long Shirt. But, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I was a girl that day and so my ass was not on the line. Voila.

Love And Marriage

I'm sitting outside a cafe the other day, doing what I do in Germany - drinking coffee and chatting with people in Denglish - when across the square I spy funny sight. It's a group of men, comically cross-dressed, leading a wagon full of beer and blasting "Heidi" (you know, that song about the little mountain girl) from a boom box at full blast. Aaah, another bachelor party.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but German bachelor parties differ slightly from American ones. In America, the goal is (usually) a night of debauchery before the groom goes into his union of calm, domestic bliss. In Germany, the goal is a day/night of cleverly designed scenarios meant to embarrass the groom before his formal wedding day. Humiliations for the groom include anything from simply making him wear a t-shirt with a witty saying about balls and chains to forcing him to sell condoms to passing strangers. Both of these things I have seen. Some other bizarre stag night rituals I've seen are:

• Dressing the groom up in prison gear with a giant foam ball and chain and make him walk down the street like that.
• Dressing the groom up in a giant sheet painted like a soccer field that says "shoot me, I'm getting married!", then allowing people to kick soccer balls at him.
• Dressing everyone up in shirts that say "Yes He Can!" and having the groom dress up in one saying "Yes I Can", then going around and selling Obama-themed things to people. This group actually went beyond what I consider tasteful by painting their groom's face black in the presidential image. Blackface?! Seriously, German dudes? I actually pretended to speak only German so they wouldn't come and take pictures with The American.

There are many more. There are also other rituals I've seen, like how apparently when someone turns the big 3-0 here, tradition states that they have to clean the town hall steps and kiss a virgin. This leads to big groups in front of the Rathaus every once and a while, throwing confetti on some poor schmuck with a broom who's trying to sweep the junk off the steps. Or it leads to a German in some ridiculous costume running up to you in the town square and questioning your virginity when you're just trying to have a coffee in peace. What a country.

Berlin Again. Again.

Wanna see some pics from my latest trip to Berlin? Yes, you do!

The trip was for my friend Caroline's 21st birthday. There was much fun to be had -- museums, the zoo, city tours, pub crawls, you name it! Well, actually don't try to name more things. Unless you name Dunkin' Donuts snacking or shopping for commemorative magnets. Then you'd have named it.

Space, the Final Frontier ...

Eeeeeee!

The night before last I went with my friend, Caroline, to see the new Star Trek movie. So, I'm going to repeat that fan-girl screech again:

Eeeeeeee!

I really liked it. It was dubbed into German, so the voices were oddly mismatched, but I still liked it. Really briefly, it's an parallel universe origin story (well, something like that) of the characters from the original series - you know, Captain Kirk and Spock. For the casual watcher (Caroline) it was easy enough to follow. For the less-casual watcher (me), it was delightful to see how they handled each of the characters as younger versions of themselves. I kept leaning over to her and saying, "Oh, that's so-and-so. They do this and that in the TV series ... Oh, look!" I'm sure it was annoying, but I couldn't help myself. Anyway, long story short, I recommend the movie. Eeeee!

PS: I love Spock(s). I love old Spock, new Spock, and all parallel possible Spocks. It's pon farr time, baby! Rawr!

Goslar in Style

Hello Lovely Leute,

Today (Saturday) I woke up at 8:30 a.m. - gasp! - to take a trip to Goslar. My mentor/teacher guy, Herr Preller, invited me because I missed the big school trip there a while back. He said there was some cool stuff there and said that if I wanted to go sometime he could take me in his car. Which is about the only way I'd get to Goslar, as I don't have a car here in Germany, nor do I hang out with anyone who does, and the place is kinda far away.

Anyway, long story short we went there today. Awesomeness ensues! Click on THIS link to view the photo album and read about the trip in detail.

Oh, and PS: I love you family! Mom and Rachael, I sent you Mother's Day cards earlier this week but I don't know if they'll get to you in time. If not, I'll catch ya on Sunday!

Also, Dad, get on Skype!

It's May! It's May! The lusty month of May! (Camelot, anyone?)

I wanted to write a post about how beautiful Germany is now that it's spring. I spoke too soon, however -- it's been rainy and cold for the past three days. Oh, well. Let's imagine that it's still warm and green outside as I post these pictures from last week: